I don’t think this page exists anywhere on the internet — not even on John J. Hoare’s excellent Dirty Feed blog — so, because I make the rules on my own blog, here’s every name I could find that Vic Reeves called Jack Dee’s face on Shooting Stars. (There is, of course, crude language in the below.)

Jack, with your face like:

  • a needless comment
  • a scalded sea cadet
  • a galvanised pan
  • a crate full of rotten memories
  • a damp cushion
  • a knackered puffin
  • a worn-out willy1
  • a neglected radish
  • a cowboy’s crack
  • a forgotten tunnel
  • a hard-boiled bollock
  • an abandoned greenhouse
  • a miser’s hump
  • a damp Busby
  • a bankrupt pug
  • a disused slot
  • racing bacon
  • a gloomy Welsh monument
  • a highly-decorated prat
  • a methane investigation
  • a jar of tinned trout
  • a soft-boiled fart
  • praised matter2
  • a newly-born kitten with a winning pools coupon3
  • a two-shilling handjob
  • an undiluted boff
  • a fudge magnet
  • an explosion on a shit farm4
  • a sailor’s chodding brush
  • an explosion in a bullshit factory5
  • an Italian fart rinser
  • a Turkish fiddling cup
  • Scooby Doo’s Xmas dump
  • a half-buttered bollock
  • a buttered Henderson
  • a basic equation
  • a hobo’s minge
  • Wolverine! Cutlery for fingers!
  • a “not tonight, Henry”
  • troubled magnets
  • a sun-dried fart
  • an abandoned winkle picker
  • a rogered Whittaker
  • a willy warmer with mouse droppings on it
  • a fire-damaged doily
  • a world-weary onion
  • a puréed spaniel
  • an undiluted Tizer
  • a grieving cod
  • a rancid plum
  • a difficult flannel
  • a swindled partridge
  • a Hobbit with a cottage pie
  • a moth’s prat
  • a cat flap
  • a month-old soufflé with piles
  • a cowpoke’s potty
  • an outlandish pair of trousers
  • a well-old hi-fi
  • a morning turtle
  • two octopi in a battle to the death
  • two moons colliding
  • a gloomy turbot
  • a sweaty moccasin
  • a confused bullfinch
  • a blacksmith’s bum bag
  • an abandoned walnut
  • a parson’s fart
  • a doomed horse

There’s one I’ve left out, because it uses a word for people with intellectual disabilities that I don’t particularly want to repeat.

Occasionally, Bob Mortimer would chime in with a George Formby-esque impression (complete with mimed ukulele), describing Jack as follows:

  • He’s a grumpy Cornish fishwife!
  • He’s a grumpy evening turtle! Oh yes!
  • He’s a grumpy evening cod nut!6
  • He’s a grumpy midnight turtle!

Now that’s journalism.

  1. Jack Dee took particular offence to this one: “it’s a form of bullying, I hope you’re proud of yourselves.” ↩

  2. Shortly after this one, Jack’s teammate Paloma Faith puts some sort of animal ear headband on him. As you can imagine, he is thrilled by this. ↩

  3. This one was inspired by Bob Mortimer asking Vic if he could be nice about Jack for once. Neither Bob nor Jack was happy about that after the fact. ↩

  4. This one actually made him laugh. Tess Daly was particularly happy about this one. ↩

  5. Jack took umbrage to this, saying that Vic looked like a pile of fire-damaged bunting, and then calling him a disgrace to television and light entertainment. ↩

  6. I couldn’t quite make out what Bob was saying in this one. Do write in if I’ve got this wrong. ↩